Mindy Kaling and I had been an item for nearly a decade.
She won me over as soon as Kelly Kapoor made her grand entrance on The Office, which, as we’ve discussed, was a, if not THE, defining television show of my lifetime.
With Kelly, there was finally a television character to whom I could relate, because, obviously, I had this exact same conversation, as well as many variations on this theme, while at work:
We were soul mates.
When Mindy lived out my fantasy to star in a low-budget pop music video with a rap breakdown, I thought I could not love her any more:
But then Mindy taught me that I had even more love to give when she created and embodied Mindy Lahiri, the heart and soul of the hilarious The Mindy Project.
Mindy Lahiri does things that I have done:
She has done things that I totally could do:
And she has done things that I really want to do:
With Mindy as my comedy beacon, no day was too dark or indiscretion too embarrassing.
My love for all things Mindy Kaling was ridiculous not only for its depth but also because, by all rational accounts, I should hate her.
That bitch stole my life.
Mindy and I are roughly the same age, we grew up in roughly the same quaint New England town, we went to roughly the same college, we both moved into roughly the same tiny and overcrowded apartment in roughly the same Brooklyn neighborhood after graduation to chase our dreams, and we are both roughly obsessed with writing about the same things (pop culture, lip gloss, and methods for smuggling booze in our undergarments*). But, yet, despite Mindy and I being roughly one and the same, she’s the star of her own comedy empire and I’m not even the star of my own living room.
WTF universe. WHAT. THE. F*CK.
But, for some reason, I loved Mindy despite her wronging me so hard. Instead of wanting to cut her, I wanted to trade thoughts with her on the enigma that is the latest Kardashian holiday card. I really thought that together we could unlock the secret to their power and stumble our way into the Illuminati.
Because I only had eyes for Mindy, I didn’t pay attention to the supporting characters on The Mindy Project (except for James Franco for the obvious reason). Sure they were entertaining and had great comedic timing, but I wouldn’t have been heartbroken if any of them, like receptionist Shauna, were unceremoniously written off of the show.
But then, last week, everything changed.
Mindy and I are over.
Because this happened:
Your eyes are not deceiving you. That was a perfect rendition of the PRECISE choreography from Aaliyah’s Try Again, which is, of course, one of the all-time greatest music videos EVER.
Screw diamonds, a recreation of a classic early 2000s music video is what a girl really wants.
I will never be the same again.
Dr. Danny Castellano has stolen my heart.
* Also, why is this not a real thing? I need it and I need it now.